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Getting Beyond Sibling Rivalry
Helping children learn ways to effectively deal with their rivalry ultimately teaches them social skills for a lifetime. When balanced with warmth and support, facing some conflict can play a beneficial role in future relationships.
A primary cause for fighting among siblings is competition for your attention and approval. It is natural. Here are some tips and suggestions to help you deal with rivalry, while enriching your children’s relationships with you and with each other.
- Avoid taking sides. Do not assume one child to be at fault (the older one, the boy, the one who ran to the other room, etc.).
- Treat each child as an individual and avoid comparisons. Look for their individual strengths, interests, and needs. Help them find ways to shine and succeed.
- Don’t let kids make you think that everything always has to be “fair” and “equal” — sometimes one child needs more than the other.
- Model reflective listening, and show empathy to each child. Acknowledge each child without taking sides or trying to talk them out of what they feel. It is hard to hear our children express anger and jealousy towards one another but it is normal for them to feel this way from time to time.
- Set clear and consistent limits and ground rules with logical, natural consequences. Teach them appropriate ways to express anger and frustration, and what is not all right (like aggressive behavior, slamming doors, swearing, etc.).
- Involve them in ways to sort out their problems, as well as think up reasonable consequences for their actions after they turn 5 or 6. Now they are part of a process rather than always being at the effect of the process –they have some control.
- Spend quality one-on-one time with each child. Focus on their interests and needs. Being present, available, and interested in them matters more than what activity you decide to do.
- In actions and words let your children know that love does not come with limits. Even when we don’t like each other, we still love each other.
- Children, like adults, need their own possessions, their own space, their own friends, and their own time with you and with themselves.
- Younger children require more guidance, such as modeling appropriate behavior and possible solutions (using language instead of hitting, taking turns, trading desired objects, etc.).
Have fun as a family. Watching a movie, playing a game, doing some fun art or cooking projects are ways for your children to enjoy being together and having fun. Fun family activities help reduce conflict.