Search
Turning “No” into “Yes”
A young child’s world rapidly expands from the security of home to the unpredictability of the outside world.Toddlers are busy creating their own identities separate from their parents and becoming independent people. Older children are experimenting with power and control as they begin to make choices, test limits, and gain confidence in their own abilities.
Our job as parents is to guide them, encourage them, build their self-esteem, anticipate conflicts, and, above all, stay calm and in control, even when pushed to our own limits. If we want cooperation, we need to respect children, understand their individual strengths, set up positive feedback loops and environments, and offer suitable choices for them to begin to make decisions for themselves.
- “No” is often the first time young children have ever had power in the parent-child relationship. As they become more and more independent, they use “no” to share their likes and dislikes with us.
- Children are little scientists.They need to test, test, test in order to figure out the rules of the world.
- Temperament plays a big part in struggles between parents and children.Three main temperament types are: flexible, fearful, and feisty. Understanding your own and your child’s temperament can help you create environments and routines that support your child’s growth.
- Respecting “no” means finding ways to ease transitions, validate strong emotions, and allow enough processing time to comply with your requests.
- Alternatives to “no” include offering choices, changing the mood or the environment, using fun activities as motivators, and choosing your battles.
- With young children, redirection and distraction are useful tools to avoid hearing “No.”With older children, natural and logical consequences are most effective.
- Avoid “yes or no” questions if you don’t want to hear “no.” Don’t offer a choice if there isn’t one!
- Move from areas of restriction to areas of freedom. Instead of telling children what they can’t do, tell them what they can do.
Turning “No” into “Yes” is a complex, ongoing process. When children feel respected, their feelings honored, and their behaviors understood, the need for constant “No’s” decreases. Engaging in continual struggles with a child is exhausting to both adult and child. Find the “Yes” if at all possible and guide the child towards healthy expressions of his or her needs and emotions.